Essay 1 commentary

Veronica Garcia
 February 27, 2013
English 1B
Professor Brown
Essay 1 commentary: Milena Tintcheva
 
I enjoyed the Introduction and how you present the topic of your essay because it was very clear. You did a great job on presenting your cons about how the web has changed us. It’s as if people were born biologically to connect with the Web because it comes so naturally to use it. When you mention that people are “social creatures ", you couldn't have said it any better because I liked how you describe them as creatures rather than humans. Your Confirmation was very clear and well developed. There were no confusions when I was reading it.  
Your essay had strong body paragraphs. You did accidently put too many spaces between words in your sentences, but it’s not a big problem. It’s a simple error that can be fixed. One of your body paragraphs was very appealing because your supporting claims were strong. When you discussed the studies of the correlation by Mathew Gentzkow was a good counter argument that was an effective claim. I think your arguments would with the audience because you present your claims and you backed it up with evidence that was relevant to the topic. I think the kind of audience you would win over would be a skeptical audience because I think that that kind of audience is in denial about being so addicted to the Web and denial it changing them. So when hearing what you say they wouldn’t agree with you. All your evidence that you provided did support your thesis.
     You did show a great alternative view and provided well put information about it. You ended with the conclusion that the Web is a medium for people to support each other so they can have their voices heard was a great ending sentence. You establish a good counter argument. The whole body paragraph was successfully executed you pulled me in as the reader. You conclusion statement was a quote and it ended well.  Overall you whole essay was executed well and you fulfilled the requirements for the essay.